Sometimes I Just Gotta Talk to Myself

Ugh. Let me just be honest. I am a complete mess down bust down. Well, maybe not a complete, but I’m dang sure partial.

Chile‼️

I’m not even going to say the devil is busy. Of course we know his simple self is up to something, as always. However, this is different. I’ve been praying for certain things in certain areas of my life. And Chile, God is working one on me! Every day is a fight. That’s why you should stay ready. So you don’t have to get ready. Thank you Jesus it isn’t anything detrimental happening. I always keep in mind that things could be worse. So, woosah. Chile. I be having to talk to myself! I have to talk to myself as if I’m someone else coming to me with the same problem. What would I tell them?! The truth! So, I do the same with myself! I tell myself the blunt truth. Sometimes we don’t want to be honest about our feelings. Our thoughts. Chile. I be embarrassed I feel like. You feel me? I be whipping myself back into shape. Who has time to be moping around? Not I! Those days of calling people up on the phone who are already moping around having their own pity party is ova. I cut that years ago. But just recently, well, I’ll say a little over just recently did I truly understand the things that are right in my life. Even when I’m going through Chile.

Now check this out. My I.D. just got up and left the building! It just, vanished. I am clueless to what happened to it. No. Like forreal. I can’t find it. It’s like what? Week three now?! For those who don’t know. Not having a I.D. on base is like trying to drive a car without wheels, literally. AND PLEASE! Don’t be that person that asks, “Do you know what you did with it?” “Where did you last have it?” Ummm. Listen to what you’re asking me. If I knew what I did with it, it wouldn’t be lost. Right? I’m Just Saying

We have searched high and low. Still, ain’t found the I.D. in the first. Even Naomi pulled out her flash light. Rob done made so many faces while looking for it. Err. I know I won’t find it until I past this test though. I already know. Some will understand & comprehend exactly what I’m sayibg. Others, well not so much. Just know I’ve been asking God for something and He is not making it easy for me. Then the devil is tripping or whateva because my Bible has been opened more than I’m sure he likes. Whateva. I mean, when is the devil known not to raise hell!

I have made three attempts to get me a new I.D. Today my husband even took me on his lunch break, to Deers to get me back right. 💥BAM! Non in void! Chile. I could have cried. (Shoot. I wanted too.)  Right there in the dang office. I was so, so blown. I still don’t have a I.D. We left the place and came straight home. I have not talked about it since. (Well, until now.) I didn’t come home and complain eitha. I didn’t whine, not nothing. I just said, “Thank you Jesus anyway .” I put Naomi down for a nap and then laid across my bed. Mentally exhausted. I was sooo frustrated. I ain’t lying. I wanted to drop kick a wall or something. It wasn’t even 1 o’clock yet and already I felt like my day was just upside down. And it’s Monday at that! What a way to start off the week. (I started this blog Monday night. It may be Friday before you read it though. Haha.) Ummjust being honest. Before I knew it, I was trying to have a mental pity party. I had to get up!! Clean something, fold something, read something, something! A jacked up day. Doesn’t mean a jacked up life. Okay! I need for you to understand that. 

I remember when I used to ride around, looking for pleasure in music and sceneries. Yeah. Trust me. I know things can be worse.

So with that I try not to trip over nothingness. I’ve been praying for God to take that away by the way. Being overwhelmed over nothingness. So yeah, that’s that. Let’s move on. Cause I ain’t fitting to linger on this here I.D. no mo! Next time you see me. I’m going to have a new identification. *Two snaps and a twist.*

DID YOU VOTE???!!

Truth moment. I’m not big at all into politics. All jokes aside I pray to God for the craziness in this here world. And yes, I trust Him. That’s how I get down in my life. The only POTUS and FLOTUS I’ve ever followed behind (And still do.) of course is the Obamas!!! However I do educate myself on what is going on so I will be educated on my voting, etc. I’m just proud to be a black woman who can use her voice. And I’m gonna use it too! Oh, how we have come a long way in that department.

Now, I haven’t set down and watched the news since my husband has been a Marine. So what, since 2009. Yep. That doesn’t make me ignorant to what’s happening in the world. Trust me. But I know what to and what not to feed my spirit. And the news for me! Ain’t it! One of my past time friends once said to me, “Girl you need to watch the news.” ME: TUH! What I wanted to tell her (All jokes aside. But I won’t trying to hurt her feelings at the time.) was, “And you need to get a whole new man! Cause while you and yours are sitting watching the news, mines is fighting the war you worried about happening in ya shabby tail living room. Paaaalease!

Any-who. What’s next?….

So I’ve been getting up everyday watching  “The Potters Touch.” Ya know, T.D. Jakes. He preaches for a goodt, and I do mean a goodt thirty minutes. Usually I watch two episodes. Thirty minutes just ain’t enough for me. I would usually only do this on Sunday mornings. But Chile, one day a week ain’t cutting it right now. It has been so fulfilling too. It keeps me from waivering in my faith. It keeps my eyes on the prize type of thing I guess you can say. Starting out my mornings with that after reading my Daily Devotions is a need more than a want

So listen. I just took my braids out. I washed and conditioned the heck out of my hair too. It was so dirty. Nawl. Mybhair was filthy.

Chile. I’m so over trying to find someone to do my hair. I’m already unsatisfied before I even find someone. So what is when the point.  It’s just too much. I move way too much to be trying to find someone to do my hair every time I turn around. Most of the time I braid my hair. It’s easy for me, affordable, and I be cute. I’ve even been asked do I do hair. I’ve been watching a few YouTube channels on silk pressing natural hair. I think my first time came out pret-ty good. I was actually shocked Chile. Every little thing counts. Hence, the ‘chase method.’ I quickly learned about. I’m really into getting my natural hair how I want it. I’ve neglected my hair with sew ins and wigs for so many years now. I’m over it. Don’t get me wrong. If I could get me a bomb sew in right now, at the very moment. I would! Haha. I want to train my hair to be how it was when I first met my husband. Waaaaaay before, and when I say, waaaaay before I eva thought Rob would be my husband. I mean that. Woo Chile. I’m taking it, what thaws say? Back, back? I’m taking it back, back! That’s a serious hair goal though. I’m going to see what I’m looking like in a good six months. You ain’t gone be able to tell me nothing. Hopefully in four months, shoot. My hair is already healthy and thick. (Thank God finally to the healthy party.) I’m more of a straight hair natural girl. I rather do a silk press than two strand twist. I really would like to master a bun. I eventually want a real ponytail. Not just the pony. If ya know what I mean. Haha. Trust me. I know all about that. When I was pregnant my hair was flawless. For one, I had just moved to Cleveland. So my old stylist still had her prints on it. (I miss her!)Then too, I’m sure my hair was healthy because like I said, I was pregnant. After I had Naomi, every thing went! Even my edges. So three years later. I’m happy Chile. I’m out the woods! Now I just need to find some pavement! I reckon I’ll start making y’all some videos and posting pictures on my social media. IG, Twitter, SnapChat. One of those accounts. Most likely it will be IG, Pinterest, and Twitter. So yeah. That’s that.

Ummm…what else? Before I wrap this thang up.

I’ll just leave you with this

The test that you’re going through is designed to hurt you. If it doesn’t hurt you, it doesn’t help you. 

I’m Just Saying

xOxO.

💋

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‘Zaddy’

I don’t care what is happening in my life. I will not be calling my husband, Zaddy! Period. Now, I know there are plenty of females that are already like, blah, blah, blah. Chill. There is no right or wrong. It’s just a topic of di and my preference. I’m Just Saying. One of my closets friends and I had a conversation about this topic (Haha.) “Why do women call men Daddy?” Now, my homegirl thinks I’m absolutely tripping. (She says, ‘Zaddy.’) And I completely think she’s crazy. (Haha.) But that’s the amazing thing about our friendship, we can debate, relate, and laugh about it all in the same breath. So, yeah. She’s all like, “Zaddy.” And I’m like, “Ewww.” God done blessed me with an amazing man. A goodt husband, and you think I’m referring to him as Daddy!? Chile, please.

I have neva, eva, eva, called a man or referred to any man as Zaddy or Daddy unless I was talking about my Daddy. Biological Daddy, that is. I don’t know, maybe I’m tripping. Am I? When I hear the word Daddy I think of my Daddy instantly. Not the man I’m sleeping with. I can’t see me being like, “Hey Zaddy” (In my sexy voice) when I’m talking to Rob. Ewww, no. I’m not doing that. Plus, all jokes aside, and for those who know me personally, know. I done prayed too hard. I mean too hard, for an amazing husband. I done prayed too hard for God to shape me into a wife my husband is deserving of. I done just prayed too hard. (NO SHAME.) To be calling my dog on husband, Daddy. And that’s facts! To each it’s own. But that’s my paragraph.

The only time I’m referring to my man as Daddy, is when I’m referencing it to the fact that Rob is my baby’s daddy. In other words, he’s the father of my child. (Much better.)

I may call a female that isn’t my blood sister, my sis. I call my two guys cousins my brothers. I may call Feleicia up the street my cousin. But I ain’t calling my husband, Daddy!

I know women who call their boyfriends Zaddy more than they call them by their government names. God don’t know what ya asking for. A Daddy or a husband.

On another note though:

I have my head phones in right. I’m laying in bed. It’s a little before 5 o’clock in the morning. I don’t want to wake up my husbae while I ji-zam to my music so I put one headphone in and leave one head phone out so I can hear ‘Baby Doll’ in her bedroom. I forgot what song was playing first, but 10 Seconds by Jaszmin Sullivan came on and I instantly bust out with a whole 8 count dance routine in my head! (Hahaha!) Like, what? I promise you I trip myself out alot these days. I legit just went off in my head with a dance routine!

I broke out with a dance routine with like 15 people behind me in sync with every move I make. I reckon I have a heck of a imagination don’t I? I can’t lie though, I do it all the time. I love dancing actually. Big ups to the daily dance parties Naomi and me have. (Trolls soundtrack.) I just wish I could dance like Aaliyah Janell. Oh my gosh, she is so sick with it. I don’t know if you’re familiar with her or not, but Chile. Woo-Wee. That’s all I’m gone say. I can give you a bop, bop, maybe even a drop, drop. But I can’t get on no dance floor or any other floor and get down like some of these folks get down. Put it like this! I’m a Zumba instructor. Don’t sleep on me now. I didn’t say I was stiff. Just know I know when to sit my tail down. Okaay!!

So when a upbeat song comes on I just want to dance Chile. It’s like, I just got to move honey. Clap my hands, something! But when a slow song comes on I want to be sexy and act out the lyrics in a music video. (Did I just say this outloud? Wow.) 🤣🤷🏽‍♀️

Ugh-Oh Chile! Rock Steady by Aretha Franklin is playing now!!! I’m going off in my head! (Haha.) Music is everything to me. The beat, the lyrics, the instruments.

I fell asleep pretty early last night. My head hit the pillow and it was a wrap. I woke up a little after 4 o’clock this morning. I got up, went and checked in on Naomi, went to the bathroom, kitchen, and got back in bed. Instead of allowing the devil to start tip toeing in my mind with worry and confusion,(You know how he do. Especially in the wee hours of the night. I’ve heard before, actually more than once. That 3a.m. – 5a.m. is the devils hours.) So, I decide to edit some blogs and listen to “My Favorites” playlist. I know me and I know better. I occupy my mind with things that will make me think about things that make me happy. Things that make me glorify the Lord for my many blessing. Things that make me want to move and make love. I come through Dripping with a Cardi B alot. You get what I’m saying. Occupy and feed your mind things that are creditable, respectable, and satisfying to you. See, me just laying in bed, is me setting myself up for the devil to occupy my mind. Be proactive. It’s all about knowing you and you being honesty with knowing your pros and cons. And I ain’t there yet. It’s hard for me to just lay in the bed in the wee hours of the night and not, THINK. THINKING about everything that could go wrong. THINKING about, “What if.?!” Chile! Ain’t nobody got time for that. Mind gone be all twisted the next morning. It’s rare when I can’t sleep. But when it happens, I take precaution seriously.

Anyways.

You remember when you were and a grown up would ask you, “What do you want to be when you get older?” I was just sitting here thinking. We’re trying to be something our whole lives. Whether it be something physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. So on and so on.

Make someone feel good today. Give a compliment today. Tell someone to have a blessed day today. Uplifting others is a uplift for yourself. Vibes are contagious. Spread the good ones. You never know what someone is going through. Being kind to someone else can help with what you’re going through. Tell someone you love them today. Tell someone that you care about them today. Do it today.

For tomorow isn’t promised to any of us…

I’m Just Saying…

xOxO. 💋

29.

What does success mean to you? -Cara Alwill Leyba

Success to me, well, (Clears throat.) Success to me is successfully fulfilling happiness. Even in the mist of the storms. Even when things aren’t exactly what you want them to be. Even when you yearn for more, you will decide to be happily content until there is more. Even when things don’t go as ‘planned.’ Even, “When it rains it pours.” Just even when, ya know? I don’t want to be married, I want to continue to be happily married. Understand the difference. I want to be a successful wife to a deserving husband. I want to be a successful mother. Where my daughter will know hurt, but never from me. I want to be successful at being quiet. Not everything or eveybody needs or deserves a comment or remark. Ya know? I want to be successful in trusting God when it’s most hard to trust Him. That’s is what success means to me.

Success can be many of things to different people. Success can be money and fame. Success can be college degrees. Success can mean opening a business. Success can be marriage, baby carriage, and the white picket fence. There is no right or wrong. It’s all based on opinions and perspective. I just wanted to share with you my first initial thoughts when I read this specific question. Happiness, being a successful wife and mommy, and trusting God. Happiness brings so many bright things. So many new beginnings. “When you love somebody and they love you back.” Feels so good right? *Inhale* And a mothers love. There is no comparison. Being successful at these things is important to me. Trusting God brings an immense of joy that conquers all worries. All fears! You feel me? Am I being too deep? Or are you not deep enough? When I hear success, these are the things that come to my mind first.

For those who follow me consistently, (My RLSC followers.) I know you were probably like, “She hasn’t posted anything in a while.” I know. I’ve been really quiet lately huh? Truth be told, 28 was an emotional age for me. Very emotional actually. A lot of death happened. That took a toll on me. People that are very dear to my heart were in pain. Unfixable pain. Undeniable pain. And this is where my pain started flowing in, slowly, but please believe me surely. To see tragedy around you. Like, like really around you is more than a lot.

People, places and things. Right decisions. Wrong decisions. Freedom of emotions. Caged ones. Trying to get people to understand me when I’m trying to get to understand myself. Or maybe people not getting me, because they don’t get themselves. (Tsk. Tsk.) Some people. No, we as people have a fine way of building a character of ourselves, instead of dealing with who we aunthentically are.) Whoa Chile. I literally said our loud one day, “Enough is enough.” I didn’t scream it. I didn’t even say it like I was fed up. I just said it. However, knew I meant it.

First thing first. I had to get my prayer life back in order. It is so vital to me to start my day and end my night with God. I don’t care how many mistakes I may make during the day! When I pray in the mornings, and I do mean pray. I’m talking about, “In the mighty name of Jesus” prayer. Afterwards I feel so hopeful. So grateful. I feel protected, motivated and then some! I refuse to answer my phone, text, messages, or open social media sights until after I pray. And in all truth, if it’s a time when I get caught slipping, I’m disappointed in myself. And forreal, I can honestly feel the differnce in my day too. I mean, think about it. Vibes are contagious. It has been times where I have opened texts messages about a friend that may be going through something with her man. And I’m all caught up in something that has absolutely nothing to do with me, but because I genuinely care about my love ones feels. It can be a strong opinion from a complete stranger on Instagram or Facebook that altered your attitude before your pedicure even hit the floor. It could be someone agreeing to or entertaining something or someone you don’t have much liking to. It could be a comment some simple fool left on your page. And look! Just that fast you already feel like this, that, and the third before you even take your morning pee or brush your teeth. Alot of things are based on perspective in my opinion. When you start ya day off feeling hopeful, thankful, productive and so on. You tend to sleep better at night if I was to say so myself. For one, you aren’t going to bed with the weight of the wolrd on your shoulders. And who can agree that some of that weight has absolutely nothing to do with you? Chile. Let me tell you. I will help you. I will sincerely pray for you. I will sing a song for you, and I will encourage you to be happy in every way you know how to be. I stay away from it Chile. Whatever it is. I stay away from it. “If it ain’t for me Jesus! Keep it away!” I don’t care if it’s a person(s), place, or thing. I don’t want it. I barely comment on certain things these days. I’ve learned my lesson. 🙄 What they say, “Mind the business you getting paid.” Well, honey! Cha- Ching. I am. I done had enough drama in my life. Welcomed and unwelcome that I have completely washed my hands of. Who agrees with me when I say that vibes are real? Real contagious too!

This is kind of random, but ummm. I feel like I can read a person by their body language, demeanor, and disposition better than their actually words. So when someone acts otherwise, I feel as if my intelligence has been insulted. What’s your thoughts on that?

So, yeah, all in all I wanted to make some changes internally. I didn’t like the thought of walking into my 29 with all the same feelings and perspective I’d been having. I wanted to know the root of my thoughts. My guilt, my ‘failures’ etc. I wanted to know what really makes me happy, and why. (Chuckles.) I thought it was hard getting to know people. Ha. Yeah right. Getting to know me has been one bittersweet season finale type stuff on a regular basis. But in a very peculiar way, I’m enjoying it. So, for those who know me personally, know that I stay with some type of self challenge. I stay, “I’m not going to drink kool-aid for a week.” “I’m going to get up and run every Sunday morning.” “No eating after 7 o’clock during the week day.” I stay up to something all the time. A lot of these things consist of working out, or eating ‘right.’ It’s not so much because I wanted to loose weight, (Which I can’t lie and pretend like I’m not loving my new weight.) but it’s more about self- discipline. Challenging myself to do what I say I’m going to do. And having enough self- discipline to actually do it. That’s something a lot of people battle with. As I still do with somethings. But I take pride in being so much better at disciplining myself. Whether it be mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or physically. 💪🏾

So, one random day, as usual. I came up with the idea to do a “Book Tour.” I wanted to spend the rest of my summer reading an immense amount of books. But because I’m such a book worm, I wasn’t focused on the amount of books I would read this summer. But moreso the type of books I would read. I wanted to read books that would broaden my horizon. Educate me in ways I wasn’t interested in before. My first and always go to books when life is hectic, is my Jesus Calling book. A1! Oh my goodness. (I love that book.) Those short passages will give you so much power. Just a few words can blow an entire mind. I enjoy T.D. JAKES and his family something serious. Joyce Myers is on point too. Oh yeah, one of my new favorites, John Gary! But along with those books, I wanted to open my mind to other readings. Readings that would help me be me, authentically me. Books that would help spark more drive in me to be creative with no hesitations. No fears.

“Style Your Mind.” and “Like She Owns the Place.” (Cara Alwill Leyba.) Are two books that stick out to me. I would love to have all of her books! This summer I read a total of 13 books. I feel so many ways! So many good ways. It’s so amazing to me what a cozy, quiet, candle lit, dim lights, hot tea, or wine will do for you when you’re reading a good book. When I read Adnan Syeds book (That’s a whole other topic of discussion.) I could not sleep. I would roll over to read, “Just one chapter.” Chile! Listen, I look forward to bed time some nights more than others. When Naomi is soundly sleeping and my love bug is beside me in his snoring slumber. It sucks being a night owl and early bird all at the same time. Ugh!

One emotion, fed another emotion and it just became a domino affect in a way. My books became something I started to really look forward to amongst a few other things that melt my heart.♥️) Educating myself, taking in written down words, writing down my own words. It didn’t even have to necessarily be a self help book that left me tongue tied. It’s more so the perspective of the person who wrote the words in the book that I am reading. To me, reading gives you a profound understanding of people, places, and things. I mean, in all truth and facts. I feel like the best way for someone to get to know me, is by reading my blog. Hell, even if you know me. I feel like my blog will allow someone to get to know me more intimately. Not just what the eye meets. I’m big on understanding and comprehending the differnce between knowing someone and knowing of someone.

So yeah Chile. That’s what I’ve been doing. Reading, reading, and some more reading. I feel so, so good! My books are my therapy. And the words are my counselor. 29 is umm significant for me. I pray for soooo many things this year. I have hope, I am faithful, and I am ready.

I read something to the effects of, “If we took the time to work on our inside, like we work on our outside appearance….” You finish the rest. What’s your thoughts? No, forreal though.

I’m Just Saying….

💋

xOxO.

Make Me Proud

What are you most proud of?

There is no order to this at all. God knows, there is a lot of things that I am proud of, very proud of actually. But right now, I want to say that, I am proud of my husband and me. Everything between us went from, 0-100! No, seriously. Like, I feel like our whole experience with each other just happened fast. We had some yellow light moments, but…

Falling in love, moving, long distance, military, school, me moving, getting preggo, married, etc. Chile, and a whole of in betweens. It just keeps going from there. I’m loving every moment of it though. We’ll, not every moment if you want to be literal. Just know I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s quite the experience.

When I left Virginia. I had all these things planned and mapped out. I wanted to do this. and I was going to do that. Chile! I got to Cleveland, December 12, 2014. I found out I was pregnant, by January 5, 2015. I found out a day after Robs birthday. Chile, I reckon we missed each other. Rob had already moved to Ohio, he had to start work. Me on the other hand, we’ll I had to finish my semester at school first. So, yeah. I hadn’t seen him in two months. Two months to long I reckon.

We got married. Which was a surprise how it all happened. (I’ll blog about it one day.) I was so happy.

Rob having a demanding job at the time, Recruiting Duty. Ugh. It was all new and it was all crazy! And crazy is putting it nice.

But we made it work.

My teammate.

*Team work makes the dream work. *

We had no family. No friends (At one point.)

All we had was each other. And with stressful, long work days, it sometimes got lonely.

Becoming newlyweds, and having a new born all at once, made our world spin. And I couldn’t be more proud of my husband and the father of my kid.

Talking about getting to know each other Chile. In the rough times, you have to remember why you fell in love with this person in the first place. The older I get, I realize you shouldn’t allow anger to make decisions for you. Life is too short.

Listen, I am no perfectionist when it comes to these things. Heck, none of us are. Even the therapist herself has her own problems. But the key to it all, is dealing with it and how you deal with it.

Some days, I don’t know how we made it! I mean, at the bigger scheme of things I know how. But, that is why I say, I am so proud of us. Sometimes it was all a blur.

Chile, we were young and tired. And rolling with the punches.

Heck, we still are.

These terrible twos got us looking at each other side eyed.

I keep God first! Believing what God joined together, let no man separate. Mark 10:9

It’s hard out here. Being young and married. Heck, young, black, and married. The scrutiny of marriage. The words that are constantly spoken about our black me, ‘NIGGAS AIN’T SHIT.’ (Please excuse my language. But let’s address it how it is addressed.)

I get it! If Rob would do to me the way I’ve seen some people that I know and know of get treated, I couldn’t make you any promises. I know I’d be angry too. Straight up! Let me just be honest. Shoot! Ain’t no telling what would come out of my mouth either. So, please believe me when I say, I ain’t judging! Just because I don’t do it now, doesn’t mean I’ve never done it. But some females, MAKE THEIR OWN BED, AND DON’T WANT TO LIE IN IT, THEN BLAME THE MAN. (Accountability.)

I think it’s sad, how Father’s Day is not as big as Mother’s Day. Yes, do we hear about all the dead beats who don’t do anything? I do, and I think they’re pathetic too. But what about ALL the dads in the world that get watered down?? Then we turn around and want the black man to act a certain type of way, after we break them all the way down.

I ain’t fitting to get all into that now though, because that’s not what I came here for.

So, yeah. That is one of the things that I am proud of, us.

After I had Naomi ya’ll. I was all over the place. It’s like nothing came second nature to me. My husband on the other hand, had it down pack! I couldn’t even change Naomi. Rob did all of that. I would be pumping milk, and doze off. I’d wake up, and milk would be everywhere. I felt like dairy queen.

Rob had it all down packed. I was so frustrated, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t, just get it. He, on the other hand gots the magic touch. I was so overwhelmed and stressed. Breast feeding WHOOPED my tail! I was too through. Chile, I tell ya.

When my parents came to see me, right after I had Naomi, I was so happy. My mom cooked enough food for the marine corps. She froze some of it too. Rob ate for weeks! She washed clothes, cleaned up. She did it all!! My dad, we’ll ya know Papa.

Chile, when they left. I was lost in the sauce.

How many of ya’ll ladies, done cried with ya’ll baby?

I was a mess down, bust down.

Rob would come home, dead dog tired, and I’d be in Naomi’s room, crying and rocking her. He’d come in, wash his hands, take Naomi, and BOOM! You could hear a mouse Chile! Looking back, I’m like dang Naomi. You just going to play me like that? At the time that it was happening, I didn’t care! All I knew was, I had help! And I didn’t hear anymore crying. I would run to the bathroom, get the water as hot as my skin could take it, and cry, or not. Depending on how tired I was. (Ha-ha.) I’d just lean against the wall.

I’ve almost bust my tail a couple of times too, closing my eyes and what not.

Having a new born is some work. Heck, it’s all work. But I want to do it again and again.

Naomi did start sleeping through the night at three months. That was a blessing.

I remember she use to wake up and want to play. She was about two months at that time. She would be laughing, and it would wake me up. Rob would already be up. (Who is not surprised?) That baby could pass gas, and he’d wake up. When I tell you he would be up, watching Naomi sleep. It would be like 2, 3 o’clock in the morning.

It done got real, real around here.

I’m very thankful for it all. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

US.

Smooches’.

oXoX.

💋

This is my Canvas

This is my canvas

I’m gonna paint it how I wanna.’

When I tell you I love to write, I absolutely love it. It is my passion. It is my ministry. Chile, it is my calling. I’m like a rapper without a beat. I’m like a singer, without a back ground. I’m a writer. And when I write, I can be who I want to be with no questions. With no hesitation. I can say what I want to say. I can do what I want to do. I can speak things into my future. And I can keep the past in the past. This is my canvas. ‘I’m gonna paint it how I wanna.’

I have a lot of memories, before what is my life now became my life. But I can’t remember half it. Nothing had a purpose, everything was pointless. I guess that’s the difference between living and existing huh.

You see, happy doesn’t come around often, unless you make it a choice.

When some people ask me questions. Or assume that I have it all together, I laugh. I am no ones perfect person. I’m just a girl in love, got knocked up by the love of my life, and now I’m just trying to live out my dreams with my bestfriend. However, am I different now? Yeah. (Good Lord! I hope so.) I have no desire to be who I use to be. Do I want and chose to do better? Yep! Erday.

I know I talk a lot about love. I know I write about my man a lot and how he makes me feel. I know this. But I also know what it is like to wanna throw in the towel and not explain it to nothing or nobody. I know what it is like to feel defeated and undefeated at all the same time. Underneath it all, there is a person who doesn’t know which way to go but under. But when it’s all said and done, you walk around big headed and bull headed, pretending to be undefeated, when you’re already broken down. I know what it feels like to listen to all the heart-breaking loves songs on repeat while you torture yourself endlessly because music is the only thing that can relate to how you really feel. I know it feels like to just get in your car at night and ride, who knows, just so you can have a good cry. I know what it’s like to wake up happy, until, you shortly realize the reality of yesterdays events that will only spill over into today. I know what it’s like to try and overcome it today. But still, you’re sad about what hurt you yesterday. I know what it’s like to take out my anger on everything else, because I couldn’t address the real problem at hand. I know what’s it’s like to not know what to say. Not know what to do. I know what it’s like to ponder and try to figure out someone else’s motives and mission with my heart. I know what it is like to contemplate whether I should, or I shouldn’t. I know what it’s like for no one to understand me, but always speak on how well they know me. I know what it’s like to escape the same situation that helped me escape a whole other situation. I know what it’s like to not be able to talk about someone, and not cry about it. I know what it’s like to get sleep, but not rest. I know what it feels like to fall asleep on a wet pillow case. I know what it’s like to hear my stomach growl, but not be hungry. I know what it’s like to have a lot of money, but be broke(n). I know what it’s like…

That is why, I talk about being happy. That is why I allow myself to be happy, despite what they say about love, men, and marriage. I chose to be happy when things and people crumble. I chose to look pass all the rift raft and do my own thing, march to the beat of my drum. I am no longer living a life where I am trying to keep up with people. I don’t want anyone to ever think for a second that I think I’m better, or whatever.

All I’m saying is, I have spent countless days, holidays, all four seasons shedding tears about things I could and could not change. I prayed for happiness. I prayed for peace of mind. And now that I have it and am learning and practicing how to obtain it despite what comes and goes. It’s a mind set. Get into it. Things that I have experienced, have caused me to be a hell of a person, with a hell of a mind-set, and I know that trouble does not last always, but I know that troubles do come. So, why, entertain the pain and the bull crap, when there are days already built for that? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD ACT AS IF NOTHING AT ALL BOTHERS THEM, BUT IN REALITY, EVERYTHING DOES? We’ll I don’t want to be that person. Some people need to get a grip. Some people have something to say about everything. I’m happy. And I encourage happiness. It’s crazy how people talk about happiness and being happy. BUT ONLY THE DEVIL IS WHAT DRIVES THEM!

I love being married. I love being a wife. I love it all. I pray that I have this feeling for life. Regardless of what the world says. I don’t know what the future holds. All I know is what I want, and what I pray for. I know where my faith and strengths come from. And I love loving on my man.

This is my canvas! ‘I’m gonna paint it how I wanna.’

I’m Just Saying…

💋

What Do You Allow?

I’ve been low key ghost huh? I know Chile. Life has been crazy, and that’s almost an understatement. But God is good as always, so. My emotions have been on an all time high lately. I’m not at all surprised with the way our summer began. But these are some things that have helped me in the mist of the mourning storm.

Sometimes it doesn’t take much to feel better ya know. Day by day I’m getting back to me! Thank you Jesus! And I mean that with everything in me. The devil doesn’t have a place here, so whether things are going good or bad, I’m going always look up. Plus, my mother in law lives there now so.

So anyways, I’d like to share with you some pick me ups! 😊

01. Get a good nights rest. Not just sleep. There is a difference! Go to bed early. Take you a nice hot shower, or bath, and get in the bed and rest Chile! Read a good book, or turn on Martin and watch him and Gina trip out. Get a good ole laugh in before you close ya eyes. I suggest no phone personally. Sometimes the phone alone can alter your emotions. Hence, social media. Change up ya routine a little before bed, and watch how you wake up refreshed. A lot of times people wake up with what they went to bed with. Switch it up! Oh yeah, and of course, pray. Always start ya day and end ya day with God.

02. Make someone else happy today! It’s contagious. Sometimes when you’re feeling down and out, happiness is the furthest thing from ya mind. But just like yarning is contagious, so is a smile. Say cheese!!! 😃

03. Be ya own cheerleader! Celebrate all victories and accomplishments. Even the tiny ones!

04. Count ya blessings! Always! Even in the thickest times. (Oh how difficult it can be.) But don’t entertain the devil with pity parties. The same God that did it last time, He will do it again!

05. Sometimes you just gotta put all electronic devices away! A lot of times that’s where you will find the devil! I’ve learned to not pick my phone up first thing in the morning! Try it! Give yourself sometime before you click on these social media apps, or even read text messages. Let ya feet hit the floor good before you scroll to see what is happening in other folks lives. Believe it or not, other folks problems become your problems more than you recognize. Or like to admit. Vibes are real. Mmm…k!

06. Stop hitting snooze. Just gone head and get on up Chile. To continue to lay there for five more minutes won’t make much of a difference.

07. Write! Start writing down what ya feel. Even if you have to tear it up later. Write it down. Write it down! Write it down! A pen and paper will do you more justice sometimes than people. Don’t let things build up in ya mind, or over flow in ya heart. Write it down Chile!

08. Learn something new. Sometimes we’re so busy teaching, we miss out on learning. Learn you something new today Chile. You never know, it may change ya life.

09. SPEND TIME WITH YASELF. ENJOY IT. Whether you’re single, married, or figuring it out. Regardless of what, you have to like you!

010. Cry if you need to! Tears don’t make you weak! Tears make you human. And to me, tears are just liquid prayers!

I hope this will help you. In so many ways it has helped me. It’s amazing how the smallest things can set the tone for your day, your life. Or even your perspectives on people, places, and things.

It all begins and ends in your mind. What you give power to has power over you, if you allow it. I’m Just Saying…

xOxO.

Smooches’ 💋

Life and Death

What do you do when, when you don’t know what to do? What to say. How to feel. What to think. An immense amount of emotions takes over and you feel like you’re literally drowning in pain.

To be the enemy of your own mind is exhausting. To me, it’s all the devil. God is not the author of confusing. So, yes. I always and will always look to Him for guidance. But I feel like you have to get to that point first. *Clears throat* (We’ll, let me speak for myself.) When turmoil is happening in your life or around you what do you do? How do you act? Or react? I set front row seat (Literally.) to the passing of my mother in law. (MNL) It has changed me. In ways that I can even fathom yet. But I know one day I will. Bit by bit. Piece by piece. It’s soooo scary to me that the same very things that hurt you, can help you. I comprehend that, but I don’t quite understand it yet? No. Let me rephrase that. I do understand it, but I DON’T comprehend it. Does that makes sense? I’ve seen hurt past my own understanding these last few weeks. To see your better half mourn, I’m just speechless.

My sympathy runneth over. But my empathy, we’ll I don’t want to be able to empathize. I know it sounds mess up maybe, but I don’t. I don’t want to feel that feeling. My MNL, God knows that’s enough.

Twice in my life, I’ve understood the preciousness of life. When my daughter was born, and when my MNL died.

LIFE AND DEATH. (Sigh.)

I know we say and think it all the time. Especially when there’s a crisis. But don’t take life for granted, or the people in it. If you love someone, tell them. Tell them why they’re here. What’s beneficial about getting flowers when you’re dead. What’s beneficial about pouring your heart to someone who has gone on. Say it now. Stop living a life where you make mountains out of mole hills. Be happy. Even with the littlest things.

Someone is praying for what you have now. You’re blessed, so be blessed.

xOXO.

💋

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